THE FANCY LACY LANTERN
JUNE 2008
After finding my 30 year old daughter drowned in her bath tub, I am sure I was temporarily insane for many months following this heart breaking tragedy, caused by a seizure, April 13th, 2004.
My daughter lived alone, had been divorced a few years and less than two years prior, purchased the perfect small house in our hometown of Flora, Illinois. She was within five minutes of her job and only a few miles from her family and the home in which she had grown up.
As Kanda grew into a lovely young woman, I am so proud she and I became so very close and best friends. What a wonderful mother daughter relationship we enjoyed.
Kanda was a collector of everything, it seemed. I always felt she was in search of that which she never did find.
Since everything had gone into probate after her sudden death, her dad and brother immediately attempted the difficult job of going through her personals. During that time, I was in so much denial and would not allow anything that belonged to her in my presence. Her dad decided to bring her dinning room hutch to our home and I was not happy seeing it there because I could visualize the hutch in her neatly decorated Coca Cola dinning room. Maybe I did not really believe she was dead, I don't know. After her dad had placed the hutch in our home, it seemed to intensify my anxiety for a long time until a rather unique incident occurred, but even then it took me awhile before I truly understood what was going on.
I began noticing the flickering flame in her electric lantern lamp quite awhile after Kanda's dad had placed this lantern on the very top of the hutch and plugged it in, probably around the latter part of April 2004. As I would recline, my eyes would fixate on the electrical flickering flame and I literally begged my daughter to give me a sign, not believing it would actually happen.
While I was watching the flickering bulb through out the years, finally something strange happened and I know Kanda sent me a sign. The flickering bulb shot completely upward then seemingly burned out, but at that particular time I assumed the bulb should be replaced. Goodness, it had been plugged in for a long time so I went about doing something else, forgetting for a few moments, yet felt compelled to glance toward the lantern. Wow, to my amazement the electrical flame was flickering as though it was trying to burn then it shot upward, the flame almost went out again, then shot back upward.
For a short while after Kanda's first sign, I still did not understand what had taken place right before my eyes but was in awe of this electrical flame. Surely there was a logical explanation, I kept telling myself.
If I relaxed and gave my time to Kanda's lantern, the electrical flame would shoot up the glass globe, sometimes appearing as though it was burned out, then all of a sudden shoot back up the globe. This activity continued off and on, would stop and steadily flicker, but never exactly the same each time it happened. Finally I realized, for sure, Kanda had been sending signs all along. My only problem is I can't confirm when I finally came to that conclusion, which month or the exact year.
Watching Kanda's lantern has become a given in our home. We always look toward the lantern when entering and leaving our home. While in our home, we always glance momentarily at the flickering light regardless if we are watching TV or maybe up from bed for a drink. This flickering bulb will still go out at various times, no reason, almost as though it is teasing us, but we are not as quick to believe the bulb is burned out anymore. Kanda loved to tease and giggle. Playing around with this electrical bulb would be a delight for her. She probably is perturbed at me for taking so long to even notice the lantern's flickering flame.
Do I believe the on going flickering bulb of 4 1/2 years is a sign from my daughter? I do, but maybe a bit skeptical. I know for certain that our focusing on the flickering bulb has brought a sense of soothing peace.
Will this flickering flame ever burn completely out? I want to believe it is being controlled by an energy more powerful than common electrical current, the forever love our daughter is sending to us, her family, in her own beautiful way.
As well as I know my daughter, she has probably tried many ways to communicate with us to no avail and I can imagine
her frustration. Something as simple as the on going flickering of a bulb in the lacy skirted lantern would be so typical of her. If she can't get our attention any other way, then she would give us something to constantly think about.
She was very blunt, almost too blunt at times and loved to shock people, especially her mom. She would absolutely lose it laughing and giggling at the look on my face after she had made a naughty comment.
I also am aware that being raised as a childhood, as I was, with a belief there can be no contact with those who have passed on, diminishes greatly the possibility of recognizing the signs given to us by our loved ones; therefore I do not open to this possibility very easily. But I so yearn for all the love I can receive from my daughter and I am learning more everyday.
Certainly Kanda would come to us, especially me, because she knew what affect her death would have on me. She and I had discussed death many times, mine and her death although I never felt I would have to live on without her in my life. What mother would dare think the unthinkable? I know she would try to comfort me and I truly believe my daughter is teaching me how to accept the abundance of love she still has to give, not only to me, but to her family and friends.
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Kanda's dad and I feel so strongly that Kanda's ever flickering electric flame is a sign from her that I had written a poem about the lantern and added the poem to her website in June 2008
""The Fancy Lacy Lantern""
In Memory of My Daughter, My Kanda
5/24/73 - 4/13/04
Written by Mom
Sunday
June 22, 2008
Crafts shops, a many, were by far Kanda's choice
But "antiques" certainly heard by me, Mom’s voice
Mysteriously, a Fancy Lacy Lantern instantly caught Kanda's eye
Gently, carefully picking up her selection, of course, she would buy
While Kanda purchased the lantern, a decision she did make
Location for her purchase, how long possibly could it take
Her Coca Cola Buffet, Kanda's chosen place, there always it would sit,
But why never was it lit
April 2004, this specially selected Lantern would then become mine
After plugging it in, the flame flickering and working perfectly fine
The bulb portrayed a fire lit lantern, actually appearing to burn
Haunting me this Lantern, after 4 years an important lesson I have learned
Oh, the wonderment of Kanda’s gorgeous Lantern
Drawn to the Lantern, fixating my eyes, now a set pattern
Reclining, attempting to cleanse my crowded mind
Longing for Peace, that which I so want to find
If only a moment of soothing tranquility and much needed rest
All at once, shooting the flame, could this be "MY” particular test
But oops, seemingly drawn to Kanda's Lantern am I, as before
Barely burning is the bulb, hence no flame, is there electric to the core
But surprisingly, flickering, disappearing is the flame, why, have I ask these past 4 years
Incredibly, the lantern is onward glowing but brings forth at various times my sorrow and fears.
The flickering, glowing disappearing flame, possibly a sign from the Heavens above
And Our Heavenly Angel will forever send us her love
The warmth of God’s presence, granting us Peace while working his part
""PRECIOUS TIME,"" our only answer, God as promised, is healing our shattered hearts
Still glowing, occasionally disappearing since April 2004, this flame from the start
""OUR KANDA,"
"FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS"
"THE FANCY LACY LANTERN"
I MISS YOU, MS DOODLE
from Mom,
June 2008
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UPDATE:
The Fancy Lacy Lantern
still glows and the bulb has never burned
out in 6 years.
April 2010
BACKGROUND DESIGN AND MUSIC