PRECIOUS CHILD

"Seasoned Grief," bereaved parents soon learn
will silently arrive, we each take our turn

Newly bereaved parents are completely at a loss
Unknown our path, what roads must we cross

We hold our child closely even though he/she is now gone
"Seasoned" we are on this journey, for which we  now belong

"Flavored Seasonings," we often sprinkle and we pour
as we share our loving memories with so much more

We "Season" our home with sacred photos of the past
as though we may forget the memories that must last.

As we walk our own journey, we often fall to our knees
begging over and over, "My God, My God,  Please!"

Each hill we will climb, yet, only to slip and slide
We are truly masters at masking hidden pain inside.

Unbelievably, the first anniversary will soon come around
when we least expect it, one year, with not even a sound

Our "Seasoned" thoughts do wonder what the next year

may bring
There is no map for grief and the unknown, this future to

be seen

We walk through the valley of time in each and every

"Season"
marking the long distance, now accepting for "WHAT"

""SEASONED GRIEF""


As I near the fifth anniversary of my daughter's death,

I have given much thought to how I grieve, "NOW,"

compared to the very beginning and each year that

followed.  When I found  my daughter drowned in her

bath tub Tuesday, the evening of April 13, 2004,

I naturally went into  shock. To this day, I don't know

how I held myself together and actually did everything

that should  have been done.  I know for sure, at the very

moment I realized what had happened to her, I did go

temporarily insane.

As bereaved parents, we know our grief is unique only

to each of us. I also believe, in our own time,

we eventually become somewhat "SEASONED."  

I have used a unique package of "SEASONED FLAVORING"

to ease my pain: by praying to the Lord for strength,

maintaining my daughter's Memorial Website,

a scholarship, attending The Compassionate Friends

' Walk to Remember this past July in Nashville, Tennessee,

wearing embroidered Memorial clothing often and

driving my car stenciled with A Loving Memorial, in my

daughter's memory, on each back window.

I have also used this special "SEASONED FLAVORING"

by attending our local bereavement group, within only

a month of my daughter's death, also utilizing

individual and psychiatric counseling, including

medication, all with the hope of soothing excruciating

pain and finding some kind of solitude, an inner peace

as I attempt  to move on in an unfamiliar life. Yet I don't

believe I will ever truly know an inner peace as long as

I live on this earth because my family will never be as

it once was, a complete family again.

"SEASONED GRIEF," lately I have thought often about

those two words.  I will be 60 years old in a few

months and I think of myself as also "SEASONED" in age,

pondering where all the years, along with the

agonizing past 4 1/2 years, have gone.  I seem

to live in the past more, remembering the good times,

especially when my husband and I were raising our two

children.  If only to go back in time, to be that

young again, have those Blessed Gifts, both my daughter

and son in my life.  I know I would hug

them more often and small problems, such as a messy

bedroom,would not be worth mentioning.  Of course,

if I could go back, I would have the one Precious Gift

I no longer have in my life, my beautiful daughter.

When I ponder on these two words, "SEASONED GRIEF,"

I think how far I have traveled since the

tragedy of April 13, 2004, the tragedy that took my

daughter's life.  I even notice how others are also

very affected by my "SEASONED GRIEF," many I may

see at work, while shopping, at  the doctor's

office.  I sometimes feel as though others may think my

pain is over and I have moved on, living

life fully without my daughter.  Life does go on, right?  

Only bereaved parents know that we never

get over our child's death.  We never again live life

as we once did before we were given absolutely

no choice in becoming bereaved parents.

I am also "SEASONED" mentally and physically which,

I realize, is part of being a "SEASONED BEREAVED

PARENT."  I have asked myself the question as to when

I actually knew I was "SEASONED" in my grief, but

I can't remember. I have sprinkled and poured "FLAVORED

SEASONING" in every direction during

my horrific pain attempting to ease my anxiety,

my fears, knowing I am the only person who can give

myself  what I need to go on with my life.  

I struggled to help myself,

exploring every option available in support of

bereaved parents and will probably continue doing so.  

I believe that recovery from our child's death is an

ongoing battle, a battle we must face, as we travel every

"SEASON" of time, of life, of our own unique grieving

for many long years to come. We are always

"RECOVERING BEREAVED PARENTS."

At least, after almost five years now, others do not avoid

me as though I have a disease because they actually

believe I am perfectly fine, won't break down crying and

won't mention my daughter's name.  

I am treated more normally than a few years ago.  

Maybe that is good in a way because unless

we are bereaved parents,

there is absolutely no way to understand the

magnitude of this kind of grief and

 until we actually BECAME bereaved parents, we too

were the others I mention now, the others who

stammered for the right words, avoided uncomfortable

situations with those who had lost a child, those

"THEN RECOVERING BEREAVED PARENTS."

I still cry, still hurt, still wonder why, still feel confused,

still become angry, still feel cheated, still want the
impossible, still blame God at times, but I  also have

Faith and ask for the Lord's help.  I will always carry

my daughter in my heart, am "SEASONED"  in dealing

with the loss of my daughter, which brings me

to my own conclusion, I am most assuredly

""SEASONED IN MY GRIEF.""  



Our daughter's 5 year anniversary is 4/13/09  

In Memory of My Daughter
Kanda Michelle Jacobs
5/24/73 - 4/13/04

 BACKGROUND DESIGN AND MUSIC APPRECIATION

Links