(After The Death Of My Daughter)
The Before: I loved our best friend mother/daughter relationship and all the time I spent with you.
The After: Will I always feel completely lost, yet insanely long for ""THE BEFORE" too?
The Before: How could I comprehend living without you?
The After: I have merely existed in life, unsure as to who I am, but managed to somehow make it through.
The Before: I so enjoyed our fun together, always giggling, always shopping, always running in one store and then always another.
The After: I deplore the idea of going anywhere, whether the destination be close or far, but especially shopping, what an horrendous bother.
The Before: I loved your sense of humor and your talent in teasingly shocking me.
The After: Sometimes I am still in denial and glance at someone, hoping, "YOU," I will SURELY SEE.
The Before: I never made a habit of going back to the time of your birth and the beginning of your life.
The After: But now I want to miraculously start all over again, snuggle with
my gorgeous newborn baby girl, this tormenting torture cutting like a knife.
The Before: I did sometimes think about the unthinkable, losing your brother or you.
The After: But at the present time, I don't have to think about the loss of my own child because, and even though I still have a problem admitting, it is now forever true.
The Before: It seems I took life with my children for granted in many various ways.
The After: I know of the possible tragedy or disease that may be sneaking and lurking so I pay more attention each and every day.
The Before: I enjoyed my life with two grown kids of which I was so wonderfully proud.
The After: I am confused as to what my life even means, because too much has changed and I seemingly remain covered thoroughly with ugly black dark clouds.
The Before: I knew who I was, and I felt I had my life, to some degree, under control.
The After: I can't figure out who I am supposed to be and there is still pure bitterness buried deeply down in my soul.
The Before: I felt so good when I would see your face, your smile and especially hear your voice with that unique quick wit and naughtiness.
The After: I am consumed with the truth that everything in my life is nothing but a total screwed up mess.
The Before: I thought you would naturally grow old as I continued to age.
The After: Now my life may still fill a book but since "THE AFTER," there will always be an empty page.
The Before: Oh, how you and I had settled into a great comfortable routine.
The After: I know it is impossible for ""THE BEFORE"" me to ever again be seen.
The Before: I really wanted to live a good life with my family for many long years.
The After: I am not sure about anything and so confused, but this on going agonizing pain is part of what I fear.
The Before: I would have never believed I could, even in a small way, survive your death.
The After: I wanted to die with you but I very well understand what all bereaved parents know, there is only one choice and I will strongly withstand this horrific heart breaking test.
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"THE BEFORE" but the brand new, "THE AFTER" me.
THE BEFORE:
reveals our lives on earth with you, our precious child,
OUR KANDA,
sister, aunt, cousin, friend.
THE AFTER:
is our precious memories and those gifts you graciously left us and
to the Heavens above, OUR LOVE, we shall always send.
September 2008
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