""AFTER CHRISTMAS BARGAINS""
""MOTHER/DAUGHTER RITUAL""
Between Christmas and New Year's Day,
vacation for Kanda and me,
as our company would shut down during the holidays,
AND
time was for the taking and grab it we did.
Remembering the Christmas of 2003
and into the New Year of 2004,
burning the roads in every direction,
to other cities, within a 100 mile radius,
during the bitter cold,
blowing winds
of the holiday winter days,
frosty weather,
along with snow and off we would go,
THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER
bargain shoppers,
our specialty, ""CRACKER BARREL,""
but,
""remembering when this tradition started,""
I can't say I do,
collecting ornaments, those rare Coca Cola ornaments,
of course,
as Kanda was a avid Coca Cola collector.
Did I mention
Cracker Barrel???
Well, enjoying a nice home cooked country meal
after we had toiled vigorously, fiercely
for what seemed like hours, sitting on the floor,
standing at the middle,
also reaching to the very top
of the many ornament racks, desperately,
positively seeing every ornament,
not easily accomplished for us at 5', as we both stood, short,
but mighty, being on an important mission,
going through the ornaments from the
Elegant,
to the Country Styles
and The Oldies,
but, Kanda's eye always on the Coca Cola ornaments
for her new Coca Cola tree,
that which she only set up one time in December, 2003.
But oh how I loved the oldies,
those ornaments taking me
back to my long ago childhood
""Christmas Memories,""
but most importantly, forgetting
""NEVER,""
our precious
""HEART TUGGERS""
their kid ornaments,
my darling grandchildren, Aaron and Ashley,
Kanda's nephew and niece,
a place in her heart she carries them for all eternity.
KANDA WOULD NOT BE WITH US
THE CHRISTMAS OF 2004 AND THE NEW YEAR OF 2005,
AND OUR TRIP IN SEARCH OF THE MOST MAGNIFICENT
GRAND ORNAMENTS, AND THE UNIQUE RAREST OF ALL,
THOSE COCA COLA ORNAMENTS.
THE AFTER CHRISTMAS RUSH OF 03
AND
NEW YEAR OF 04 WOULD BE OUR
LAST GIGGLING, LAUGHING SO HARD,
WE COULD BARELY
STAND UP, FREEZING OUR BUNS,
AS WE WOULD RUN INTO THE STORES,
WAS NEVER TO BE AGAIN ON THIS EARTH,
IF ONLY I COULD HAVE KNOWN,
""THE LAST AND THE ONLY,""
CHRISTMAS BARGAIN HUNTING,
WE WOULD EVER SPEND TOGETHER,
WAS THE ENDING YEAR OF
2003
AND THE NEW YEAR OF
2004.
OUR ORNAMENT SELECTIONS,
THOSE SPECTACULAR ORNAMENTS,
WHAT WE SURELY NEEDED AND WANTED,
BUT THEN THOSE WE HAD TO GIVE UP
AND
LEAVE BEHIND ON THE RACK,
TAKING
MUCH NEEDED TIME,
OUR DECISION WAS CRUCIAL.
AS I THINK BACK,
SMILING BUT THROUGH MY TEARS, I AM.
LOSING A CHILD, REGARDLESS OF AGE,
IS INDESCRIBABLE.
THOSE OF US WALKING
THIS
GRIEF JOURNEY,
MOURNING AND GRIEVING
IN OUR OWN WAY.
OUR DISCOVERY WE KNOW NOW
HOW WE LIVE ON WITHOUT A PART OF OURSELF,
OUR CHILD.
BUT WE ALL HAVE THE SAME BOND,
THAT BOND, WE WISH WE DID NOT HAVE TO CARRY
WITH US THROUGH THE
REMAINDER OF OUR LIVES ON THIS EARTH.
""THE WORST LOSS OF ALL""
OUR CHILD OR CHILDREN.
Changed forever,
yes I am, in so many ways since
Kanda's death on April 13, 2004,
AND shopping trips do not interest me in any way,
""AS MATERIAL ITEMS ARE MEANINGLESS,""
Staying home is fine with me,
I really prefer to be at home as any where else.
I NO LONGER HAVE MY SHOPPING PARTNER IN CRIME,
AND, OF COURSE,
""CRIME""
USED ONLY AS A TERM IN
""MY MEMORIES OF OUR FUN TOGETHER.""
SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY,
NOT RESISTING THE FABULOUS BARGAINS,
"" OUR CRIME FOR SURE.""
Approximately one hundred CHRISTMAS ornaments,
with a story and year attached to EACH of them,
stored away in my son, Kanda's brother, Jerrin's basement.
I, Kanda's mom, knowing not, or caring where,
Jerrin finally giving up, he knowing,
I will not go through Kanda's personal, only
in my own time.
Maybe one day in the future,
I will find comfort in locating our
assortment of ornaments
and as I feel
""MY ANGEL, KANDA'S PRESENCE,""
reminisce, I will, as I venture into the wide magic of
""THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER""
ornament collection with all our fun memories,
Kanda and I crawling, standing,
reaching,
making sure we viewed every
single
ornament on the bargain racks.
Existing from day to day, my
""ONLY""
goal to achieve at the present,
finding not much joy in life,
that is how I live today, as a part of me,
Kanda's Mom,
is buried with her, she with the very best part of me.
""I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR KANDA,
IF ONLY I COULD, I WOULD.""
Written by Dianna, Kanda's Mom
(December 2007)
""In My Kanda's Memory""
""MOTHER/DAUGHTER RITUAL
AFTER CHRISTMAS BARGAINS""